Blah.

I am in a slump. I have no positive news to report, no growth, nothing down on paper. Not anything flowing through my mind. I get moments of inspiration, like when I am driving home or grading papers, I think of what I can do with this project when I get a chance. But then I get the chance and I don't want to do anything. I need to get myself out of this slump. I have made too much progress to walk away, I know that. And will not walk away. But I also do not want to put it on hold. I need to do this, and I need to do this now. I just need to find some way to get me up and at it again.

Next Great Love Story.

This is what I submitted to K-Love's "Next Great Love Story" competition. I have challenged myself to take up writing whatever writing challenges are thrown my way. (The maximum numuber of words allowed was 250; I shaved mine from 382 to 249.)

One girl, two of her friends. That online conversation, which had with three people practicing English but ended with two talking as friends do, started occasional IMs back and forth, which led to emails and later daily phone calls. Eventually flights back and forth took place between American and Brazil until he popped the question, standing knee deep in the ocean on a beach in Brazil.

It’s not really different than any other love story: He falls in love with her; she in turn loves him back. The difference, though, is not in the story, it is in the love.

Raised originally by a drug-addicted single mother and later by the foster care system, I understood what it meant to be liked, and I knew what it meant to have someone care for you. But I never experienced a love that lasted. Yet, I got a man who not only gave up his family, his language, his world for me, but loved me so much that he considered it no sacrifice. For the first time, I was worth it. Because of this, I finally understand what Christ feels for me. He too gave up His family, His language, His world for me. Because everyday I can see that kind of love exists, I know this is true. And I know that we have a love that will last the test of time, because it is founded on a Love goes back before there even was time to test.

Plans.

I planned to write. But somewhere in between getting home from work after eight and talking to my husband who is away on a business trip, to catching up on the latest drama with the girls in the Bachelor mansion, I lost my plans. Now they shift. Now I plan to sleep. Sometimes you need to push through, and sometimes you need to know when to let go. Today is a "let go" kind of day. And I do not feel the least bit guilty.

Satisfaction.

Finished another chapter this weekend AND did a successful photoshoot... the first one I was requested to do instead of me begging my friends to let me practice on them. I will admit it, I was nervous. I felt the pressure to live up to a certain level of expectation and was afraid I wouldn't meet it. But I did. I met and exceeded what they hoped for.

Although I can think about 15 ways (not exagerating) I can do better next time (i.e. use a different lens for babies, better time of day, write down ideas instead of keeping them in my head where I know they will get lost...), I feel satisfied with the final product.

Babies are difficult to shoot (think camera, not gun), this I have learned. Experience gives way to a better skill level, and now I know.

Let's break this down: I learned something(s) new, and they received photos they love. That's what I call a win-win.

PS - One thing I love about this couple: She is Brazilian, he is American, the baby responds to both English and Portuguese, even Daddy's heavily accented attempts at Portuguese. Just love it!

Oops.

Last night as I was writing I accidentally hit the print button instead of "save". But it didn't matter, I have no printer connected to my computer at home, so I saved, closed down the computer, and thought nothing more of it.

Today when I arrived at work and powered up my computer as I always do the printer suddenly sprang to life. There, page after page, my story started coming out. All forty-four pages of it. Single spaced. That is a lot of paper, and a lot of ink. I must admit, I did feel a little guilty. I picked it up, threw it into a folder, lest anyone else need to print something and see my apparent waste of these precious materials. But after school I picked that blue folder containing the words I have been working on, dreaming about, throwing all of my energy into. And for the very first time, it became real. I am writing a book. A book.

Standing there, looking at what I had created so far, I saw beauty. I am a lover of words -- both using them and receiving them. And here were my words, twenty-something-thousand of them, waiting to be read.

(Photo curtesy of weheartit.com)

(Thanks Caiti for opening my eyes to this fabulous website.)

Inspiration: I'm gonna love you with my life...

The words are sung to Jesus, and then back from Jesus to the singer. But as I went through my pictures tonight with my "Ebeye song" playing, the words were also sung to the faces I saw.



Written on June 4, 2007:

"Ebeye is over and done with. And I cannot believe it. I am sitting at my friend's house in Hawaii right now, it is like 4 in the morning or something (lost track of time, oh, 5 months ago) and I am starting to question whether Ebeye ever really DID exist in my life. Nine hours out of it and I already feel like it was a dream. Maybe that is because it is so different than my life here that I can't comprehend it all, or maybe it is because I am tired. I don't know. But I do know that, even if I can't really feel it right now, it happened. And it was awesome.

Seriously though, wasn't I just here at T's house a couple of days ago? Maybe a week or two at the most? It sure seems that way. But I can see my display picture right now, of Andy sneaking that kiss on my cheek when Lisa counted to 3 to take our picture and I can remember that clearly when I look at the picture... sitting on the dock in the evening, the breeze coming in off the ocean, our local crazy man Rocky chillin' nearby eating my leftover icecream, my boys taking pictures with me, and Andy and Rickonson finding out if they wait until the count of 3 and then turn and kiss my cheek it will come out with the kiss on the picture. My crazy boys! Ebeye may not seem real, but the memory this picture holds seems more real to me than the computer I am typing on.

You know, when it is all said and done, I don't have much more to say than that. Yet. Ebeye happened, it was amazing. I just wish I had a way to keep those thoughts fresh in my mind."

Do you know what you are getting yourself into?
I'm getting into you, because you got to me in a way words can't describe...


I'm gonna love you with my life.

Clash.

I wrote again today.

This is good. But there is also frustration there.

Here is the thing: What I want, more than anything right now, is to sit down with what I have written and go through it with a fine-toothed comb and start looking for the holes. I know they are there. And then when I find those holes, I want to fix them, patch them up, make them better.

But here is the other thing: Everything, and everybody, that I listen to whether from books or in real life who has gone through this process before says the same thing: DO NOT REVISE YET! Don't do it! Get your rough draft out first, then go back, find those holes, and fix them.

And I get it. I really, really do. And I know that is what I need to do. I need to get it out there. In the end, whatever I write it going to be torn apart and rewritten anyway, so I need that base to build on. That is what I need to be focusing on -- getting it down on paper. Because once you have the base you have the motivation to keep going. "Hey, I got this far, I'm not going to give up now..." Stop on the middle and try that, the tune might be a little different. "Oh, this is so much work!" And we all know what happens from there. So. So I continue on. But not without this struggle.

Here is my goal: By Spring Break, which is the second half of March, I would like to have my rough draft finished. Can I do it? If I work hard. Then, during those two weeks that I have nothing else to do, I can pull out those sticky notes (my personal "fine toothed comb") and get to work. So do it, Tiffany! Write! Get it down on paper!

Oh, it is so much easier when it is just a short story...


"Break up the larger story into its components, make sure you understand the exact function of each component (a story is like a machine with numerous gears: it should contain no gear that doesn't turn something), and after each component has been carefully set in place, step back and have a look at the whole. Then rewrite until the story flows as naturally as a river, each element so blending with the rest that no one, not even yourself two years from now, can locate the separate parts." ~John Gardner

Amor.

I have not written in well over a month. I have been travelling for Thanksgiving and Christmas, eating turkey and pastel, and I knew that I would not be able to use my creative energy to write. And I was OK with that. But just because I did not use my creative energy in writing does not mean it went away. Instead, I just channeled it in a different direction.


This was a completely impromptu photo session. Take two happily engaged people who are anxiously awaiting their big day and cross them with a friend carrying a big camera and this is what you get. No makeup was on nor was hair styled, and definitely clothes were relaxed as we were on our way to the pool. Nobody planned this; everybody loved it.


Here's to Edninho and Dani, two of my favorite people south of the equator. May each day you have together be filled with as much love (and more!) than what has been captured on this random Sunday afternoon!

Small Beginning.

"Hi, Tiffany,

I just realized I never wrote you back the other day—talk about a whirlwind of catching up after Christmas. Whew! :-) I’m thrilled that you’re happy with the story—our readers are going to just love it.

You’re very talented—keep on writing and feel free to send me any other stories you might have. I’d love to work with you again.

All the best,
Nikki"


Just what I needed to hear, and on my birthday, too. Yes, I will keep on writing, you can count on it!

Audience.

So, in two months it will be coming out. My story I wrote about my cars. I was so excited when they told me they chose it out of thousands (yes, they receive several hundred stories a week, which means each month a couple thousand or so). First it went on past the "Trash" pile - which I am sure they have a better word for like "Not What We are Looking For" or "Good try", but we all know what is really meant by that word -- to the "Maybe" pile. And then from from the "Maybe" pile to the "Pursue" pile. And then the editing/rewriting/refining process began.

You want to know the story of my life? Ask Nicole at Guideposts. Between the twenty or so emails we sent back and forth, she got answers that nobody else has ever had, simply because she asked questions that nobody else has ever asked. And then they "formatted" my story to fit their style.

In other words, they completely rewrote my story.

Sigh.

Ok, not completely. But out of the words that are there, maybe 50% of them, possibly less, actually flowed from my pen.

At first, I was really sad. I liked my story. It was, in my mind and those who read it, creative. Working backwards through time, casual little connection here, subtle little change there. How can I even put my name on here, if I didn't write this? I asked myself. Without even finishing reading what was sent to me, I closed Word and walked away. I needed time to process this before I read the rest.

In that week that I didn't think, look, or talk about my story, or um, their story, I realized something. It all comes down to audience. I wrote that story not to be published, but for myself. In fact, I only shared it with six friends or family members. And that was because after writing it for myself I wanted to share the meaning of the story with them rather than the words. And for that audience, and that purpose, my story golden.

Today, however, this story has a new audience: the general public. Not only that, but it has a new method of delivery: a magazine. When I wrote it, I alluded to a lot things. And I knew that the six people I sent it two would know what it meant too, because they know me. But the general public does not know me. And so now the purpose changes. I am no longer writing a creative piece, but I am sharing an experience (or four) that has shown me the love of Christ in my life, of His unfailing faitfulness. And for this, yes, maybe the style needs to be different. More clear. Less hints and more facts. Less creativity and more staight-up-ness. Because at the end, what is my purpose? Is it for my this audience to say, "Wow, what a great writer!"? No. Instead, it is to hopefully help someone out there say, "Wow, what a great God!"

So, since the audience has changed the story must change with it. And it did. And I put two cents in here and there and they agreed to my requests, and I signed off on it. I trust it now into their hands because now it belongs to them.

And actually, I like the final product. But I still think my original was better ;)

Unpause.

I am back. At least to my own counrty anyway. As far as me being back to writing, well, I cannot yet make such lofty claims. But I have hit the pause button one more time, this time not pressing it down but releasing it from state of inactivity, where it silently stayed waiting to be allowed back up where it belongs.

(Yes, I am thinking back to the days of tape players and WalkMans. Or would that be Walk Men? I am a child of the 80's. What can I say?)