General Disclaimer.

I am not a shy person. I pretty much say what I want when I want to whomever I want.

This has been known to get me in trouble.

It has also helped me land some pretty quality friends. I guess people like those who are willing to speak up, to break the ice, to shoot the breeze.

But with my writing, oh, I am incredibly shy.

Maybe shy isn't the right word. Timid. Bashful. A little scared.

You can say something and then it is gone a second later (unless of course it is a word of love or a remark of hate. Both of those have a way of staying with someone for a long time). But when you write it is there. Seconds and minutes and hours and days later, it is there. For all eyes to see, for all to read, for all to decide. Is it good? Is it bad? Boring? Or maybe, hopefully, straight-to-the-heart just right.

I want to write, I want people to read what I have written, and maybe most importantly, I want those words to be received favorably. But there is a fear of the utmost rejection. If someone rejects your writing it is as if they have rejected you.

So here is my general disclaimer, my go-to answer for when I know someone will be reading my heart through my written/typed words, deciding for themselves whether or not it holds value -- for them. When I feel intimidated by the fact that the curtain will be lifted and all will be revealed, I can mutter the words, "General Disclaimer" under my breath, and go. For really, what does it matter if it holds value for them? I write for me. And I hope, through my writing, that others can have a moment of enjoyment or maybe a reason to pause and think.

GENERAL DISCLAIMER:
This may not be the best writing you have ever read. This may contain poor word choices, lacking analogies, and over-used adjectives. There might be too much "telling" and too little "showing". Or there might be so much "showing" that your brain starts spinning. This work has not been written by a famous author or even an experienced author, but it has been written by an author who strives to share in a way that is meaningful and just. And she hopes that, through her writing, you can get a glimpse of what is inside her heart. But if not, she takes no responsibility for your lost time, as it was you who chose to read it.


A critic can only review the book he has read, not the one which the writer wrote. ~Mignon McLaughlin

Now.

The last few weeks, three of them, have been so incredibly busy. I was preparing my classroom, starting school, helping my sister-in-law who arrived from Brazil, crying over a brand-new car that had been stolen right from under my nose, and trying to get my life back in order from the chaos that the summer-to-school-year transition makes of it. And then, while sitting at a red light on the way to the bank, Paulo asks, "How is your book coming?"

I had no idea what he was talking about.

I had forgotten all about my project. All my excitement, energy, ideas, time, and everything else I have been pouring into it vanished from me, and I had completely let this book vanish from me as well.

So now, now that my new students are more or less situated into third grade, now that my piles of laundry are washed and put away, now that my sister-in-law can find her way around an American house without a guide, now that I know my car will not come back to me and I wait patiently for the insurance to do their job... NOW I can get back to this. And I want to. Once again I am thinking of ways to go from one story to the next and how to phrase this or that. My juices are flowing. So now I am going to sit down and write.

Writing is a struggle against silence.
~Carlos Fuentes


WORD COUNT AS OF TODAY: 11,619
CHAPTERS COMPLETED: 6

Inspiration: Pickup Trucks in the Jungle

"Last night while I was on the boat as the full moon was out I was thinking it is too bad I have student teaching this quarter because otherwise I would be out here somewhere. I used to think that something was wrong with me... why do I keep coming back to Micronesia? But I have met so many people here who were SM's and have come back to share their talents... I have discovered that there is nothing wrong with that. And I also kept thinking that this time, that time, everytime, would be my last time. But it hit me on the back of a truck driving through the jungle... Micronesia will be a big part of my life for a long time. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I do believe that God has given me a passion for this place and these people, and there must be a reason for that. I am always so happy out here. I am happy at home, very happy, but I am happy in a completely different way when I am here. When we left Kosrae, I said goodbye to so many people not knowing if I would ever see them again. But several people told me, 'Tiffany, you will be back. This is not goodbye. This is see you later.' I think it might be true."

Written in Pohnpei, 6 months before I left for Ebeye.

Energy.

My classroom is clean. Books are organized. Desks are arranged. Lesson plans are starting to fill up the little boxes in the plan book.

Yet, my writing has stopped.

I only possess a certain amount of creative energy in me. Sometimes when I use it, it generates more. Most of the time, however, when I use it I wind up using it up. Which is why, even though I want to sit and write, I cannot at this moment. All of my energy is being poured into my classroom to get it ready for this school year. And this kills me. I feel like I am losing my focus on this project. I just need to allow myself to take a break until this week is over. Then, I need to sit down with my schedule book and find a good three hours a week that can be mine all mine for this project. I will NOT let it go!

Oh, how I wish to have more days of summer!

"The best antidote to writer's block is ... to write."
~Henriette Anne Klauser

Update at 8:11 pm: Writing this inspired me. So I sat down and, despite the fact I came home mentally exhausted, wrote. I have just completed Chapter 5.

Freeze.

My blog title is the caption of my day. Or two days. What to write? How to say it? Ahh.... come on, Tiffany, you can do it!

Research: Cockroach Bites

Question: Do cockroaches actually bite? (In response to the fact that I was told that the bites I woke up with on me while in Ebeye were cockroach bites, but I don't want to sound like an idiot putting that into a book if it is not factually correct.)

Answer:
(1) "They [cockroaches] have been known to bite but only in rare circumstances, when they have exploded into large populations and food is scarce." ~Stoy Hedges, an entomologist

(2) "Yes they do, but cockroaches normally only go after the immobile (i.e. something sleeping or dead)." ~WikiAnswers

Conclusion: Apparently, not only did I receive cockroach bites, but I did so because of population explosion. I guess that is something the people and cockroaches of Ebeye share in common.

Inspiration: Star-Covered Name Tags

" I have put countless hours into preparing for a classroom in place that I can't picture and learning the names of kids I don't know. Bwgenta, Ronloc, Iesa... these are the future loves of my life, but for now, they are just words on star-covered name tags ready to be taped to desks. I am sure it will hit me when I actually getting on the plane. Or maybe I will just wake up one morning and think, 'Gosh, when I did I get here???' "

Written on Jan. 13, 2007, the day before I left for Ebeye.