Connect.

Technology is a powerful tool for many things.  Keeping in touch, paying bills, entertaining us.  It is through technology that I have somewhat found my voice in writing.  It is still a work in progress.

Technology has also allowed friendships to grow.  If it weren't for MSN messenger and emails and Skype, my best friendship -- that with Paulo -- would not have developed.  If it were not for MySpace and Facebook, other friendships would have stagnated.  If it were not for Blogger, I would never have met some of the people that I call friends today.

I talked to my friend Danielle yesterday via Skype.  She lives in Brazil and we have bonded over a love for our Brazilian men and a desire to learn how to cook and eat 'real' food.  And now we are bonding over writing.  We may have only spent about one hour together in person, yet it seems like we have known each other for awhile.  Something about following each other's lives via the web...

Reading what she shared with me allowed me to glimpse even deeper into who she is.  And I realize that is the purpose of writing, to dig a little deeper into who we are.  Because we all have layers to ourselves that maybe even we don't know are there.  Writing gets that out.  Sharing that writing allows others to see us for who we are discovering ourselves to be.

“We read to know that we are not alone.” — C.S. Lewis 

Picture found via weheartit.com

Share.

I have plunged in.  The book is now being read to my students.

"One more chapter!" they plead.

Maybe they want one more chapter; maybe they just want to avoid Math.

Whatever the case, we have finished three chapters together and their attention is fully on my words, my journey.

I am opening up.  I guess I just needed to wait for the right time.  For me to have confidence that someone would actually want to hear.

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them -- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a tellar but for want of an understanding ear.”  
                                                                                                       ~Steven King

Collide.

Three things happened today.  Three things that had they happened separately, not together, would not have meant that much.  But together they spoke to me.

1 -- I opened my email to find something from Eric, writing back about my manuscript I had sent him the day before.  He needed reading material and I never even really talked to him about my book project before, yet I figured he might be into it.  He was.  And this email had comments -- both strengths and weaknesses -- for the first seven chapters.  It was beautiful.

2 -- Someone that interviewed me over the phone for an article in Spectrum Magazine wrote to me today and said she saw my manuscript at a friend's house and looked through it.  The opening line, she said, was very catchy.  Simple words, but still...

3 -- One of my girls from Ebeye just posted something on Facebook, recalling some memories from her fifth grade year, calling all her classmates to recall their memories from that year that they had 'the B E S T teacher ever'.  Messages started popping up... the time they ditched class with me when I was sick; going swimming at Beach Park; taking me to the dock to say goodbye...

I still cry a little when I see that.

I don't think that will ever change.

But these three things came at just the right time.  Alone, they make me happy.  Together, they tell me to pick it up, dust it off, and do something with it.

It is time.

Ready.

This is my 100th post.  I have had things to say between my last post (in September, I believe) and this one, but they were nothing of value.  I wanted this post to be important, and so I waited.  It took awhile, but I have I have something worth sharing.

Let me start by saying Pacific Press did not accept my query.  With just one paragraph to pitch what I was writing they decided that my work would not be good for their publishing house.  Yes, I was sad, but in the end I am happy with that.  Honestly.  Awhile ago I said I did not want to publish through Pacific Press as I did not want this to just be kept in the bubble -- and if you know the bubble I speak of then you know the bubble.  It may seem like I am back at square one, but really I am not.  I have done a lot of research since then and now and I have a path I am walking down.  The destination is not yet clear, but the path is. 

The first step on that path begins tomorrow.  In my possession I have two printed copies of my reworked manuscript, ready to be handed over to two trusted friends (one a writer, the other an avid reader) who are going to look over my work.  I am excited and I am scared.  I know I will get it back all ripped up with marks here and there plus a lot of comments that I need to work through, but this is the next step I need to take if I want this to be the best it can be.  It took me a long time to get my own revisions done, but I have finished them.  I set the clock for Christmas, and on Christmas day I sat down to finish what I said I was going to do.  And I did.  So now I move on to the next part. 

This is the part where true risks are going to be taken.  I am going to open up my precious, incredibly personal work to the eyes of others.  I am going to send letters and emails to people who are quite likely to reject what I have to say.  And then I am going to somehow make this all public. 

Risks.

But without the risk there can be no reward.  Wish me luck, because there is no turning back now.  I am moving forward.

Chapters.

Chapter List/Summaries (as sent in to Pacific Press)


Chapter 1 – Heading to Ebeye and the fear that came along with that

Chapter 2 – Arriving on Kwajalein and going to Ebeye; First couple of hours, discovering my new situation

Chapter 3 – Meeting my students for the very first time; doing placement testing and discovering what a challenge was ahead of me

Chapter 4 – The first day of school for me/ new start for my students

Chapter 5 – Facing the challenge head on by teaching the students how to “do school”

Chapter 6 – Adapting to life on the island inside of the classroom as well as out

Chapter 7 – Facing lack of sleep and peace, finding solitude in God in the loud and crazy world I was living in

Chapter 8 – The beginnings of true friendship with those around me; seeing the difference between the life I was in on Ebeye compared with other Americans with fresh eyes

Chapter 9 – Dealing with a student who got completely out of control and parents who blamed me but learning the value of love in the process

Chapter 10 – Asking the major question of “How did this become my life?” while being content that it was

Chapter 11 – Conflict and strife due to language differences between myself and another individual that led to a major meltdown on both sides

Chapter 12 – Deciding as a group that we wanted to do more for those around us and coming up with ways to meet the needs around us – right outside our door

Chapter 13 – Stepping up to meet the incredible needs of my students even though I had limited (or “no”) resources to my name

Chapter 14 – Bringing a little bit of home (America) to my life via food; Hearing how a young missionary impacted the life our principal when he was a young man and discovering the power of a life dedicated to serving Christ through this testimony; dedicating my work on Ebeye to be true work for Christ

Chapter 15 – Taking my students (all 31 of them) to the dentist and sitting through excruciating teeth extractions, and not just excruciating for them…

Chapter 16 – Finding shoes for one of my students, Phillip, who never seemed to have anyone else looking out for him

Chapter 17 – Through the hunt for a TV to watch American Idol, discovering the bond of friendship with my new friends was growing stronger than my bond with friends back home

Chapter 18 – Taking a blow when I, along with the other missionaries, were informed that we were not “true missionaries” because we were teaching math and science instead of walking door to door like the Mormons. Beginning to really question what I was doing out here…

Chapter 19 – Processing what it means to be a missionary, when God shows up with the answer in the form of a soaking wet, muddy baby found outside of my classroom doorstep

Chapter 20 – Now that I knew what my role was as a missionary, I needed to find my place as a teacher on a island that fought against education, not by force, but by incredible lack of structure; facing feelings of lack of purpose

Chapter 21 – Taking a break from Ebeye on the nearby Army base of Kwajalein for Spring Break

Chapter 22 – Spring break coming to a close and struggling with the idea of going back to Ebeye with its cockroaches and other life-frustrations; wanting to go home, but discovering home was now actually Ebeye

Chapter 23 – Allowing an inconvenient situation lead to a beautiful tradition; building relationships with my students that extended beyond the classroom walls

Chapter 24 – Coming face to face with the reality that missionary work is not as glamorous as it sounds when you are reading about it… fighting tigers may sound great, but actually fighting them is a different story. The same goes for cockroaches

Chapter 25 – An honest portrayal of success and failures of me as a teacher, and the lessons I learned from them

Chapter 26 – Through dealing with Phillip and his broken family, coming face to face with the understanding that as a teacher I have the power to make a huge impact in the lives of children

Chapter 27 – Going door to door to pass out invitations and understanding for the first time that all of my difficult moments on Ebeye were so small in comparison to the everyday challenges of my students’ lives

Chapter 28 – The last day of school which, of course, turned out completely opposite than I had planned… yet was the perfect ending

Chapter 29 – Wrapping up this segment of my life, saying goodbye to the children I learned to love in a way that could never be replicated, and heading out into the future

Sent.

Aaahhhhhh.....

Did you hear it?  That was a huge sigh of relief escaping from the inner part of my being and out through my lips. 

I sent in my query letter to Pacific Press. 

Whew!

I don't really have much to say about this, because words cannot explain it.  But let me say this:  Either they accept or they don't.  Either way, at least I know which way to proceed.  I still have some revising to work on, but I am in a good place with it.  I am ready to know which direction to turn to.

But for now we start the waiting game...

Wisdom.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

                                              ~ Words of wisdom from Mark Twain